As many of you know, I am preparing to leave on my self-identified 'Year of Service' in Rehoboth, New Mexico. I will be joining Rehoboth Christian School in their Finance and Advancement Departments in providing a support role for their bookkeeping and cost accounting for the school. The decision to leave the wonderful East Coast and go into the wild, beautiful West for a year was not taken lightly. The cost is going to be great. The step of faith required is more than I have ever experienced before. The amount of sadness in leaving and fear of the unknown is mounting. So then, why on earth am I going?
Before I begin I need to say something: this post is not about how great I am. Seriously. This post is about God's great work in a man's life. Truthfully, if it was only up to me, I would be staying firmly in North Carolina. So no, this is not about how I am going to New Mexico because I am a great person; it is about a powerful and glorious God who wants what is best for His people.
The story of how I was called to serve in Rehoboth is a very convoluted one. It took prayer and fasting. It took having to humble myself over and over and over again. It took not pursuing a full-time job. It took God forcing me to go to a different graduate school than I had originally planned. It took a near-death experience. I fought hard against God when He put it on my heart to go serve. "But God", I would pray, "this makes no sense. Not economically, not 'relationally', not culturally. I don't want to go." The God of the Universe, however, has a way of making that feeble attempt at control look ridiculous. Next thing I knew, I was excitedly signing the contract and calling the CFO, informing him of my intentions. So.... all good, right?
Not at all. My job starts in a few days and I am still swinging wildly between scared and sad to happy and excited. It is like a clock pendulum that can never decide which way it wants to go. After all, leaving for Rehoboth means saying goodbye to my wonderful girlfriend, my dear parents, one sister and her husband, Wake and UNC-Charlotte friends, Christ Central Church (my church in Charlotte that I fell in love with earlier this summer), and many other great friends. And my comfort zone.
Comfort zones are so interesting, aren't they? We chill in them, blissfully ignorant of what is going on around us. My comfort zone is full of (among other things) nice clothes, close friends, and the ability to do what I want. God has a way to making our comfort zones nothing more than demolition sites for something better. Goodbye nice suits and polo shirts (well, some of them). Goodbye college and graduate school friends. Instead, it is hello not getting paid. Hello, brand new cultural experience. Hello, new friends, church, and challenges.
My point in all of this is that God's will is not always what we think it should be. While my head knows I will have a great year, learn a lot, and grow tremendously, my heart is still aching to know the 'Why?'. In a recent conversation with my amazing girlfriend, Christine, I mentioned that God had answered several questions about my post-collegiate life. The 'what?' was a year of service. The 'where?' and 'who?' is Rehoboth Christian School. But I do not understand the 'why?'. Why is God sending me there? Why am I called to a year of service? Why not somewhere else? Despite being stoked to be out in the high desert plateau that I have grown to love (I have been to Rehoboth about five times), I still struggle with not knowing the why.
Fortunately, I serve a gracious God. While praying the other day, He put on my heart the story of Lucy and Mr. Beaver from C.S. Lewis' masterpiece The Chronicles of Narnia. Lucy is struggling to understand the nature of Aslan the Lion (the Christ character) while Mr. Beaver tries to explain. Lucy asks if he (Aslan) is safe. Beaver's response is simplistic yet beautiful, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
That is the key, is it not? I do not need to know the why. After all, Aslan is not interested in keeping me in my safe comfort zone. His will is going to be often intimidating and confusing. His will is going to be challenging and the exact opposite of easy. But His will is going to be good. If I can rest in that fact, then the 'whys' of life will be prioritized and answered in due time.
So where does that leave me? I still find myself stuck in this paradox of being human and feeling human emotions while also knowing what God wants and commands. Still sad because of all the goodbyes. Still struggling against practical financial worries. Still unsure why God is sending me west. However, I am somehow also happily content in the fact that I go in the power and goodness of Aslan.
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