Birthdays and Beginnings

   Let me begin this post by saying 'Happy Birthday' to my favorite (and only) niece, Caroline Eva Johnson.This rather long blog post is my attempt to look at the past year in the lens of the joyous occasion of a birth and how God can work through the painful events of life to show us His mercy and love.
     Some of you may not know this, but Caroline was born to wonderful parents (you know that part!) around 6 pm on February 19, 2011. You also probably do not know that this was only about 18 hours after I was written up by the Winston-Salem police for alcohol consumption (BAC was 0.01, but still...) of an underage person. That evening/ early morning was bad. After all, that had happened once before, so this time it was a permanent event on my record. I can vividly remember talking with the policeman and feeling deeply ashamed and frustrated for being so stupid.
       Even more than just that one event, I was in the midst of an intense search for a finance internship (and trying to pass my asininely difficult finance classes) which had consumed my time and energy, leaving me a rude, selfish finance student with the sole goal of personal success, no matter the cost. Trust me, I was a pretty bad person. On the exterior was a smart, funny, Christian guy with friends and a lot of positives. On the inside, I was quite distant from God and was 'burning bridges' left and right. I was struggling to find peace and was trying to find true happiness through riches, romantic relationships, social status, and secular pleasures. And then my phone rang.

      It was my brother-in-law Wade. He told me that my sister was in labor. I had trouble hearing his slightly worried voice- totally justified as this was his first go in this regard- as I was at a Wake basketball game, trying to comfort my fears of talking with my parents about what had transpired the night previous. After the game I called my other sister and we made a plan to see my new niece the next day.
       We arrived at the hospital early on February 20th. I will never forget seeing Caroline Eva for the first time. At first, joy filled my heart as I could see how precious covenant children are to the people around them. She was so small and still, with eyes that had not opened. However, as I got to hold her for a while and had pictures taken with her, I pasted on a smile, with utter turmoil beginning to churn inside me.
        'Tim, you are a terrible person. She will never be proud of such a failure of an uncle' or 'stop pretending to be a good person, you know how badly you have messed up' or 'Everyone here is so happy and joyful, yet you are a total mess. Way to go, idiot.' These are only three of the thoughts that coursed through my body as I sat with her, sitting alone in the waiting room, or excusing myself to get a drink of water. Finally, my mother noticed something seemed off and asked how I was doing. That is when I finally let myself be vulnerable and cry. And cry. And cry.
          She and I took a walk outside the hospital, talking about my internship fears, my priorities, my goals, my fears. She reassured me that she was still proud of me and loved me. That only made me feel worse. She ended the time by simply being quiet and hugging me. I had to go back to Wake that afternoon, still reeling from the feeling of shame and failure.
        I would like to say that God used that time and magically fixed everything in one night. That did not happen. I had to go to court to settle my drinking ticket. I had to get rejected by multiple firms before Time Warner Cable finally offered me an internship. I had to wait on Him to work in small, slow ways to bring me to a better place where I could more effectively trust Him. I had to go through personal hell before I could realize how all of these events had been orchestrated perfectly by a Father who loves me, and so that I could learn from all that.
         Seriously, ask me how much I loved my internship and time in Charlotte. Watch how my face lights up as I tell you how much I loved the friendly people I worked with, how much I love and miss my AMAZING host family, and how much I loved being in a great men's small group. These opportunities would not have been afforded to me if I had gotten the high finance internship I had coveted so greatly. Simply put, God had to correct and break me before I could appreciate what I really wanted (and still want): a strong Christian community, friends, a family, and a deep relationship with the One who can provide those blessings.
         Fast forward several months to December. I was in my room signing a document that made me a one year employee of Rehoboth Christian School, in their Accounting and Finance Department. The idea (outside of God's mercy) is laughable; Tim Nic- Mr. Finance- working for a non-profit? As I signed the document, I glanced up at my desk where I saw a picture of my family around me, taken as I sat in a chair holding my day-old niece. I had put the picture there to remind me of how much God had moved/ is still moving in my life. As I remembered the feelings I felt when that picture was taken, tears streamed down my face-- but this time it was tears of joy and pure happiness. I had finally found the peace that I had been searching for. It was all about His design and His will, not my feeble attempts at control or my selfish desires. God had brought a grateful, humble uncle back to Him through the reminder of a forgiven, fresh start of life, however seemingly large (drastic life change) or small (a bundled baby).
          Large or small. Caroline can now take small steps, but only with the help of an adult holding her hands. God does the same with us. He did not thunder down truth on me or fix my problems all at once. He led me through dark times, only to bring me to a metaphorical Gilead. It was only through small steps, trusting in Him to provide strength and direction that I was able to be led by Christ in His perfect and loving will. No, I do not have the answers and no, I am not perfect, and I still have large problems. But, just as Caroline was born and is growing, we can trust in God that He is renewing us and growing us more and more in His image.
     
         I love you, Caroline. You make everyone around you so happy as they watch you learn and experience life. My prayer for you is that you continue to grow in health and in all the fullness of grace and joy that God will provide for you.

Isaiah 43:1-5